Conflict is inevitable in relationships, particularly among couples and families. Successful conflict-management strategies enable couples to communicate in ways that promote understanding, resolve differences, and foster intimacy.
Low-level conflict is generally issue-focused. While the couple may have clear differences or preferences about these issues, they are often able to remain psychologically differentiated and negotiate a solution to the conflict.
Medium-level conflict involves patterns of relating that are often carried over from each of the partner’s family-of-origin experiences. In this type of conflict, couple interactions typically include greater levels of blaming and reactivity.
High-level conflict is defined as having a “chronic quality,” and a high degree of emotional volatility and blaming. In high conflict cases, partners often exhibit an inability to see the others’ perspective and an inability to take responsibility for their role in the conflict. “Winning” the conflict is the primary motivation. The emotional climate is characterized by frustration and resentment, with anger erupting quickly and dissipating slowly. Each partner generally sees the conflict as coming from the other, such that if the other partner changed, the conflict would disappear.
I have worked successfully with hundreds of families of young adults and adolescents across multiple treatment centers. For couples and families struggling with high conflict, our initial approach is to help individuals cultivate skills that teach flexible thinking, emotional containment, behavior modification and self-restraint. This will allow for a foundation that fosters healing and lasting change.