Interview by Jaleh Weber for Associated Content

An American male complains to his Korean girlfriend that she never says thank you whenever he buys her dinner. She says nothing. He then gets annoyed that she does not verbally express her feelings.

An exceedingly hard-working and effective Indian middle manager is astounded when his supervisor gives him his annual review, advising him that he should be more autonomous in his decision-making. He is also bowled over that he is not offered a raise.

An Asian-American subordinate, invited for the first time to an executive meeting enthusiastically suggests how a few of the executive decisions can achieve greater success if they were implemented differently. He begins to squirm in his seat as he notices his superiors avoiding eye contact with him in the deathly silence that pervades the room.

An American businessman becomes incensed with a prospective Korean partner who has not fulfilled all of his verbal promises.

As a psychotherapist, I have had the rare privilege of listening to the heartfelt and authentic communication of my Asian patients. And as a business consultant, I have also been privy to the complaints of both Asian and non-Asian clients who have misconstrued the communication of the other. Because language is an organizer of cultural experience, mending the break-down in communication that so often occurs between and among Asians and non-Asians demands a greater awareness of the cultural platform from which people express themselves.

One of the most salient features across all Asian cultures is the high priority that is placed on cultivating and building harmonious relationships, as well as preserving the hierarchy that so often defines the relationship. In contrast, Western values of individuation, assertiveness and self-reliance provides a more comfortable platform for self-expression. One can easily see how communication between two people coming from such divergent perspectives can be easily miscomprehended and engender unwanted tension. One specific conflict that springs to mind involves a young Asian American rookie, Ned, who, wanting to impress his Japanese superiors, enthusiastically gave them his personal opinions about a project. It was Ned’s first invitation to an executive meeting. Having been born and raised in the States, Ned was flabbergasted when his very logical, sound suggestions were disregarded and he was treated like a social outcast. Ned did not take into consideration that among traditional Japanese, communication places a much greater priority in preserving the esteem of the superiors, than in exemplifying proactive, self-directive traits in which many Westerners would place great value.

In fact, a common complaint from American executives is the lack of such selfassertiveness from their Asian employees. In the case of Indian-born, Samir, who was putting in 60 hour weeks as a manager in a small manufacturing firm, he could not believe that with the winning results his department produced, that his superior would complain about his lack of autonomy. In his culture, to be autonomous and not defer to his supervisor for approval of decisions would be considered disrespectful. Moreover, in relationships involving professional hierarchy, while the superior has greater entitlements to respect and deferential treatment, s/he also has the greater responsibility of nurturing and mentoring the subordinate. In that sense, subordinates often surrender themselves to their bosses whose job is to look out for them. Samir had an expectation that his boss would bat for him regarding the raise without him having to ask for it.

One of the most difficult things to teach Westerners is the implicit expectations that are built into relationships. In the case of the American, Greg, who complained to his Korean girlfriend, Young Mi, about her not ever thanking him for dinner, she was genuinely confounded that he would expect such a thing. Such explicit interchanges are communicated with outsiders, not intimate partners. In her culture, to thank him is almost an insult in that it places her outside of his inner circle. Young Mi also found his need for her to verbally express her wants and needs to be simple-minded. Young Mi perceives one of her personal duties in the relationship is to empathically intuit and fulfill her partner’s needs so that he rarely has to ask her for anything – a talent she internalized in observing her mother’s attitude toward her father while growing up. For Greg, who comes from a verbally expressive family, the insecurity of trying to figure out what she’s feeling or wants is frustrating.

The complexity of communication between and among inner and outer circles of Asian relationships often create confusion in that many Asians present two distinct identities: a highly private self who is accessible only to those in his/her inner circle and a public self who follows the proper social decorum to outsiders. Westerners, who generally are given the liberty and comfort of presenting their private self to the public are often less comfortable and more resistant to the chameleon that exists in many Asians. In fact, a big complaint many of my American clients have about their Asian business partners is the inscrutability of their real feelings. Because many Asians often seem so agreeable and less explicitly opinionated in their communication, less culturally-aware Americans may find themselves constantly second-guessing how the other feels, and as a result has difficulty trusting the other. However, for such Asians, preserving harmony in a relationship requires one to act with self-effacing deference, an age-old Confucianistic virtue which has a greater priority over speaking truthfully.

One of my clients, Michael, a Hollywood movie producer, found himself continually frustrated in his business dealings in Korea. “They are constantly promising to do X, Y and Z and none of their promises ever materialize!” he complained. While flowery exchanges among Korean businesspersons is a common way of building rapport, unless such promises are in writing, the obligation to fulfill them is not always that concrete. To Michael, such behavior makes him question their integrity. But to the Koreans, verbal communication is one of many components of relationship-building that, over time, as promises get fulfilled on each side, may eventually bring Michael closer to the inner circle.

In considering the variety of communication styles that exist across cultures, entering a dialogue with cultural sensitivity and awareness can not only greatly enhance how effectively you communicate, but also put into proper perspective the expectations you might have as a result of that communication. Effective cross-cultural communication can be defined as the ability to convey an idea, thought or feeling that stays within the proper boundaries that exists in each culture, and can be comprehended/received without too much disturbance to the harmony. Some strategies to keep in mind:

1. Be mindful of the appropriate place and time. For Asians, relationship building demands an investment of time through social interactions like lunches and dinners, exchanging introductions and favors. Often, the efficiency with which many Americans communicate their wants and needs can be perceived as hasty.
2. Keep in mind your place in the relationship. Most Asian relationships (in both the familial and professional realms) rely on a very specific pecking order. And while you may want to prove a point that you are the person’s equal, if the other person does not feel this way, your objectives in communication may not be met. A Korean American fresh out of college and steeped in feminist ideals was invited to have Korean BBQ with a group of older male associates. The men at the table were given a bib while she was given the apron. In protest, she let the meat on the table burn so that they were forced to do the cooking. And when she attempted to contribute to the check at the end of the meal, the oldest male in the group was visibly miffed. Factor in what has greater priority for you: proving a point or getting what you want.
3. Try to be sensitive to cultural values and attempt to notice when you’re projecting your own. In the situation between Greg and Young Mi, when Greg’s friends and their wives came over for dinner, the women sat together and made a comment to Young Mi that she should make Greg clean up since she had done all the cooking. Even if Young Mi may have felt this way, she certainly would not shame Greg by admitting such a thing to this group of outsiders. “Oh it’s no trouble,” she replied awkwardly to the pitying faces that were so ready to project onto her their feminist values.
4. Bilingual persons need to be mindful not only of literal translations of common expressions, but also how grammatical constructions alter the impact of a communication. For example, “Have you eaten yet?” is a common greeting in a number of Asian countries, but can be inappropriate and misconstrued as an invitation to lunch in a Western environment. In addition, in Chinese sentence constructions, the reasons for a request will be explicitly stated before the request is made. The “because/so” sentence construction prompted one Chinese administrative assistant to initiate her request for a day off by giving her boss a number of reasons as to why she needed the day off before actually asking for it, causing him to snap at her to “get to the point.”
5. When in doubt about how to properly communicate, you can never fail by asking for guidance. The fact that you are mindful of the other’s cultural difference speaks volumes about your sensitivity and curiosity, and will usually earn you the other’s esteem and support.

Grappling with Two Big Stereotypes Career-Minded Asian Women Face Today

Mia, A Chinese-American private wealth manager for a major investment firm, strides into her office each morning at 5:30 am. Conservatively and impeccably dressed, she pushes through thick mahogany doors with a steel face and is unsurprised to be met by the stony countenances of her colleagues. She has been dubbed the “dragon lady” not just because she is peremptory in her manners, but also because she is Asian and successful. The first Asian female to earn such an appellation was the Empress Dowager XiCi of the Manchu Qing Dynasty whose notorious rise to power from concubine to ruler over China (1861-1908) had been portrayed by the West as ruthless and cunning. While more recent historical research attempts to correct the political slander of her contemporary Western adversaries, the term, “dragon lady,” remains a loaded eponym that suggests qualities of any Asian female as brutally opportunistic and heartless. In reality, however, the term has been unfairly used against the Asian-American woman who elects not to be as docile as the West idealizes her to be.

Such an idealization can be found in the dragon lady’s counterpart, the “geisha,” who has been romantically personified as someone submissive, obedient and biddable. Originating from Japan, geishas historically functioned as skilled professional entertainers and courtesans. The portrayal of geishas in bestsellers turned miniseries/film like Shogun and Memoirs of a Geisha, have sensationalized the image of the Asian female as dutiful and pleasure-doting. To the disadvantage of many Asian-American women in male-dominated industries such as law, finance and technology, fighting against such an image has created inner conflicts around not wanting to meet the pressures and expectations of such a stereotype, and yet being somewhat predisposed to deferential behavior that is inherently cultural.

Alice, a Filipina-American marketing assistant turned executive initially felt more comfortable by behaving deferentially in the office. “I didn’t know that I could say ‘no’ to my boss and coworkers because I was brought up to believe that respect is expressed through obedience. Eventually, I became so overworked and stressed out, but for a while I managed to keep the most beaming f/u smile on my face. To have revealed how I was really feeling would have been a sign of weakness.” Through consistent high performance reviews, raises and bonuses, Alice did not think to examine the role she had taken on. When her company experienced a recession which capped her salary, however, Alice experienced an epiphany. “The financial rewards had become a convenient exchange that shielded me from having to look at the self-sacrificing geisha I had become. But suddenly, without the bonus, I was forced to examine the value of my time and it was certainly worth more than for what I was being compensated.”

Soon enough, Alice began to tentatively say no to people with an apology. Noticing how well people could handle her refusals, she became increasingly more confident with saying ‘no’ and dispelled some of her assumptions about what was expected of her. Still, even with her new title as Director of Marketing, Alice doesn’t have any regrets. “It’s hard to say if I would have come this far had I not been so willing in the beginning. On the one hand, I made a lot of allies in the process, but the more boundaries I created for myself, the more focused I became. I couldn’t be a geisha in this role. I wouldn’t get anything finished!”

For some multinational firms, hiring managers find both personality types to be useful depending on the position. James, a Korean born American executive runs a rapidly growing software firm in Northern Virginia that predominantly hires Korean-Americans. “Our executive assistants liaise quite a bit with the executives from abroad and it’s important that we position culturally sensitive people. You can call them “geisha-like”
because they adhere to what is socially appropriate to their culture. They greet with a bow, they rarely offer dissenting opinions and they go out of their way to be serviceoriented.” James sheepishly admits that he also hires for himself executive assistants who exhibit a more servile attitude. “I work really hard, harder than most of my employees, so yeah, I want someone to bring me coffee each morning with a smile and without me having to ask. And I would not get that from anyone white, black or male,” he declares matter-of-factly. “But I need both personality types in my office. Our sales staff has to meet very high monthly quotas and those jobs go to the so-called dragon ladies. My very sweet and demure assistant would not survive out in the field,” he says shaking his head, “and the dragon ladies would tell me exactly where I should shove my coffee.”

While James might be accused of perpetuating a chauvinistic mind-set, one Korean born American lawyer finds that women can buy into this consciousness as well. Joanne, an entertainment lawyer in Manhattan grumbles about having to kiss the ass of her executive assistant in ways that her team of male colleagues does not have to. “I was originally dubbed dragon lady because of the impression I would leave through my perfunctory email correspondence which lacked all the social niceties of “would you be so kind to…” or “I would appreciate if you…” Now I make sure to address the (mostly female) assistants in the firm with extra politeness. I have to really work at losing the dragon lady image. If I ask my assistant to make copies or type something for me, her facial expression will often reveal that she is being inconvenienced. If my male colleague asks her to do the same thing and with less courtesy, she doesn’t seem to have a problem whatsoever! I guess the assumption is that he’s supposed to be helpless and I’m expected to be self-reliant. It’s astounding. On Secretary’s Day, I made sure to wine and dine her to the nines so I wouldn’t be regarded as an ingrate.”

While Joanne struggles losing the dragon lady image, Mia works hard to amplify this image. “I don’t think I would have survived in my early years of investment banking hadI not presented myself as being aggressive and firm,” says Mia. “Being Asian, female and petite invited a lot of unwanted gestures like patting on the head. I mean really, how much of your wealth would you be inclined to entrust someone whose head you can pat?
A dollar bill maybe? Certainly not the millions I manage. I let my colleagues and clients know early on that that shit would not fly with me. I wasn’t trying to be bitchy, I was only demanding the respect that was automatically offered to my male colleagues.”

In her 8th year, Mia now manages combined assets totaling over $150 million. “I can relax a little now. I’m a little more social, more friendly and less guarded. But reputations die hard and I’m still known to be…” she pauses a moment with her lips pursed as if she is about the say the “b” word, but she stops herself and chooses another. “Tough,” she finishes thoughtfully.

The discomfort many Asian-American women experience in being stereotyped often forces them to confront and identify personal values that may conflict with both cultural and stereotypical expectations. As such, the struggle becomes not only about learning how to address the dragon lady/geisha label when it is used against them, but also about how to work the persona in their favor. The ability for many Asian-American women to adapt to, and even adopt, such projections may stem from an outcome-oriented consciousness that strives to preserve harmony as well as to produce results. Managing authentic layers of ethnicity with romanticized projections require a high degree of selfawareness, skill and resilience. Some strategies to keep in mind:

Be aware of your reputation. Each of us is mostly responsible for the reputation we build and earn in our office environment. Take an honest inventory of what people might say about you (hard-working, aggressive, docile, push-over, etc). Since it’s sometimes too difficult to be objective with oneself, ask a few close colleagues. Do you have the reputation you want? If not, what actions do you need to take to improve it?

1. Identify your values. Office politics can play a huge role in how you present yourself. Often we might find ourselves behaving in ways that work to our advantage by picking up on the praises, rewards and acceptance we experience. Is the behavior consistent with your values? For example, if you are hard-working and work a lot of overtime, but feel resentful that you’re not being appropriately compensated, explore the reasons why you do it.
2. Ascertain the verity of your assumptions. Are you afraid of saying no because you think your job is on the line? Do you have expectations of a promotion because you work extra hours each week? Investigate historical and current office politics, or better yet, ask your supervisor for guidance.
3. Act conscientiously. If you subscribe to the dragon lady or geisha persona, it’s important to know why. The dragon lady’s communication is often overt and explicit,whereas the geisha’s communiqué is covert and implicit. Are you being “geisha-like” as an underhanded way of getting what you want? (promotion, raise, etc) If taking on the geisha role is compensatory for something else, then be clear about your goal. By acting conscientiously, you will gain more clarity about your intentions and perhaps even avoid disappointment and resentment should you not get the thing you want.
4. Be mindful of coupling personality projections. We might often find that we either buy into or become victims of personality attributes that get coupled together. For example, the dragon lady is often personified as confident and cocky, or the geisha may be regarded as deferential and passive. In reality these qualities are not mutually inclusive. One can be confident and humble; deferential and proactive.